March 2, 2008

• When you have a bad day, what do you do to comfort yourself?

  On just a bad day I read a book in a quiet place preferably away from people.

  On a really bad day, I call up a friend to talk or maybe go out and eat a really nice dinner at one of my favorite restaurants.

  On really, really, really, bad days (I've only had a few) I go and get a drink.  There was one time in 2003 my buddy, Willie, and I went to get drinks a McCormack and Schmick's--I was in a really, really, depressed mood and three or four hard ones helped me forget the pain of ending a relationship.  I don't think I've been the same since then.  That drink signified the beginning of my emotional numbness.  The stopping of joy and ending of smiles in my life.  I don't think I really smiled out of contentment or love since. 

  The other two times I had to go to my favorite spot in the Fullerton Arboretum (there's some pain that not even alcohol can't numb) on the steps of the Heritage House (the victorian house in the arboretum).    The place in '93 when I parted from Kelly McNally.  A place of permanant sorrow and regret.  That's the place I put them ever since that December evening when we said "That's it" and parted.  I never could bear to tell her how I really felt about her.  That's my Waterloo where I surrendered to my fear of inevitable rejection by terminating a perfectly good relationship.  It's easier to be in exile.  At least the boundaries are clear and all the relationships are safely certain.

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